wow... what a year (well almost)

First, I need to say that I'm sorry that I havne't written in a while. I've been going through a LOT of depression and a LOT of health stuff to say the least.and I didn't want to be a "debbie downer" but I think journaling helps my grieving process.. so where to start..???

........Last January (2011) when I posted last, I had been experiencing REALLY BAD headaches, anxiety, chest pain and high blood pressure from the Remicade infusions that I had in December. And I was in the process of switching to a new Rheumy at the Cleveland Clinic.

Update: headaches did finally subside for a while. However they did come back in April... more on that in a minute. Blood pressure finally came down with medication that I had to switch to another in the past 2 months. Anxiety finally went away but only after my flare subsided that was in my rib.

wow.. so much to tell... trying to figure out how to do this.. chronologically or medicine wise? lol 
chronologicially it is...

February- saw my new ra dr. his name is Dr burg at the Cleveland clinic. LOVE HIM. he is very up front, listens and honest with me. love him love him love him... john went with me to this visit and he LOVED him too. I feel very safe in his hands. I was only on methotrexate and prednisone for ra when I saw him. Decided to switch to Enbrel when we got back from our family vacation to Disney.  All the meanwhile, I was driving back and forth to Columbus bc I was working on a HUGE project for the company. 2 hours each way every day...puts a lot of strain on my neck and arms and shoulders. So, I spent a few nights in Columbus and drove back the next day. This travel lasted through May.

March- Started to flare bad. Ribs felt like they were broken. Couldn't breathe very well bc of the pain. Increased my prednisone so we could get through our vacation. Dr Burg even called me on our way to the airport at 7pm to make sure i was doing ok for the trip. Did i mention that I LOVE HIM? lol
Disney went as good as expected. I didn't get a wheelchair, but I prob should have for the last 2 days. We were standing in line for the Aerosmith roller coaster and i broke out into a cold sweat, fever (yes, flu like symptoms comes with this disease sometimes) and I couldn't stand on my feet anymore. I had to sit down in line. Thank goodness it was a long wait. I have no idea how i got through that day. but i did. john rode some rides with the kids while i sat on a bench at times. I am glad I was able to ride some rides, but i just couldn't stand anymore. I couldn't wait to start Enbrel as soon as I got back. THEN I GOT SICK on the last day at Disney. I had a sinus infection and pneumonia for the next month. NO ENBREL for Tonya... :( I cried.

April: I was so sick the entire month of April and my flares were just getting worse. When I coughed I was throwing up. It was terrible. I was so depressed. Outdoor soccer season was starting soon and I really wanted to try to play. The fatigue was unbearable.  I was so optimistic that Enbrel would work. At the end of April, I took my first Enbrel shot.

May: May was a very difficult month. I was to go to Harrisburg PA for a summit for work. I was not able to go and my director had to go in my spot. :( Thank goodness for him. He has RA too, and he is on Enbrel too. I couldn't make the trip to Harrisburg bc I was still sick, and my back had really done a number on me. I have no idea how I hurt it, but my legs were tingling, my thighs and butt were numb and I could barely walk. I was getting weekly massages but they didn't seem to help. My wrists and hands were still swelling quite a bit and were so tight. The RA just didn't seem under control yet. :(

June: I had a week long training to conduct in Atlanta. I was still on my Enbrel. Let me tell you that traveling with a medication that is administered via syringe and also needs to be refrigerated is such a pain in the A>>. I also realized that I was STILL not over my sinus infection/pneumonia. I could barely talk by the end of the week. and I was the trainer. :( THANK GOODNESS FOR MY NEW TEAMMATE. This was her first training session and she really saved my butt that last day or two.

I really needed some time to myself so I extended my stay and went to Savannah for the weekend. I needed to destress, and just have some ME TIME. I rented a red camaro and boy was it fun! I had icey hot patches on my back 24 hours a day but darn it, i wasn't wasting this opportunity. I went on a ghost tour, had lunch at Paula Dean's Lady and Sons restaurant, went to Tybee Island and laid on the beach and read a book under an umbrella for 2 days!  By the time I came back home, my back had started to feel better. But the RA tightness and pain was still there. And I was STILL throwing up non stop. I would say that I threw up about 15 times a day. I coudln't keep anything down. I went and saw my GI dr. They did an upper gi and inserted a ph level indicator in my throat. The results were somewhat inconclusive but they knew that I wasn't throwing up bc of acid reflux. Something else was wrong.

July:
John and I went away for 4th of July. It was supposed to be a romantic weekend. My stomach hurt so bad and I hadn't gone to the bathroom in 7 days. I tried mylax, dulcolax, tums, amitiza.. I finally had to do a colon clense with some nasty drink. AND then I had to have a colonoscopy. The results of the colonoscopy were negative for ulcers, any kind of immune system disease of the colon or any cancer. BUT he did say that I may have a blockage and to continue to take my mylax and amitiza daily... and this weird thing we call life continues.... OHHH and the headaches... OMG.. they started again, but my bp was normal. I was in the ER with headache pain 3 times in July. They had to give me some kind of shot with morphine and other stuff in it to make the pain go away. One time, I slept for 18 hours bc of the pain med.

August:
As the 1 yr anniversary of my diagnosis approached, I became very sad. I just felt like there was no way out of this. I literally felt like i was in a train tunnel and couldn't see any light at the end. I had days where I just laid in my bed and cried ALL DAY... I was on prozac and it had been increased in June. I don't think the increase was a good thing. I seriously almost checked myself in to the psych ward. It was that bad. I called my PCP and we switched me to a diff anti depression med. My headaches continued though. I knew that I had to start accepting this. It had been 1 yr and I felt like I was still at square one... How do i do this, is what i kept asking myself. So, I scheduled a dentist appt. Something that I had been putting off but I had a tooth ache and wondered if maybe that's where the headaches were coming from. Well, what do you know... I needed a root canal. hmm.. pain? yes, but it was on the other side as to where i normally get my headaches. So, the dentist did xrays too. I went back at the beginning of September for the results and consultation of what we should do. but in the meantime, i got the root canal to hope to stop the pain. It worked for that tooth, but not the headaches. Along with the dentist appt, I sheduled an appt with a holistic dr in West Virginia. I was getting tired of taking all of these medications. I wanted to check my options. The holistic dr wanted me to stop all of my ra pills. I stopped them for one week, and then i saw my dentist in September.

Sept:
The consultation with the dentist went OK. We discussed the cavity and root canal that needed fixed. THEN, she takes out my xrays. She breaks it to me that I have bone erosion in my jaw on my right side. Half of my jaw joint is gone from RA. NO WONDER I"VE HAD SO MUCH PAIN!!!! THEN, she tells me that I have a mass in my sinus. She can't tell what it is, but I need to have a jaw surgeon look at these two issues. I get into see the jaw surgeon on sept 12. He takes a 3d xray and sees the bone erosion and a mass in my sinus that's about 2/3 the size of my sinus. He says it needs removed. So, i'm sure this isn't helping my headache problem...He also says that my bite will continue to worsen as my jaw erodes. One day I will not be able to close my mouth and that's when the jaw reconstruction will happen. oh what joy.. ;)

I have a dr appt with Dr. Burg at the Cleveland Clinic on Sept 13. We discuss my jaw erosion and how i'm still having quite a bit of pain and swelling and stiffness. He thinks that the Enbrel is not working. AND he thinks it was tied to the numbness and tingling I had in my legs...It was effecting me neurologically. NOT GOOD.
We discussed my going to see the holistic dr. Dr burg was not very happy with me. He said that I had to make a choice, medicine or holistic. We talked about the erosion some more and how my RA is already attacking my bones. We had to get more aggressive and try something else. Something that we hadn't tried before. He suggested Rituxan.

Rituxan is a chemotherapy drug that is used in some RA cases but mostly used for Non Hodgkins Lymphoma cancer patients. It attacks a certain part of the immune system called B Cells. All of the other drugs that I tried before (Plaquinelle, Remicade, Enbrel) were all TNF blockers. So, Rituxan works different. BUT, it also kills people, as do the other drugs but this one is pretty much immediate). 1 in 8000 don't make it through the first 24 hours after the infusion bc it kills the bcells too fast and there is a reaction at the infusion site. 1 in 30000 contract a virus called PML and that kills them within 5 months. There is no cure for PML either.

I had some choices to make. And again, I went home and cried for 2 days straight. And again, I almost checked myself into the psych ward. I was sooooo scared. and I still am. I would look at my kids and john and wonder what it would be like for me not to be there for them. I don't want to die. But i don't want to live in a wheelchair and be in unbearable pain for the rest of my life either. And lets not forget that RA can kill you too... So basically, I have to pick my poison.  I chose Rituxan.

My infusions are at the Cleveland Clinic cancer center at Hillcrest hospital. I had my first one last Tuesday. They gave me some pre IV meds. An antihistamine, tylenol, prednisolone, and another anti inflammatory called solo..something.. i don't remeber the name. During the infusion, I had some reactions. My tongue swelled and I had some funny taste in my mouth. They slowed the drip and it went away. I got really hot and sweaty, it finally subsided after a while. I was really pale afterwards and kinda sick to my stomach. BUT I couldn't believe how good i felt the next day!!! It was truly amazing. The 2nd day after the infusion, I had stomach cramping, diahrrea, and my arm started to hurt (the arm that I had the IV in). The arm pain was getting worse and it was along my vein. I was getting worried. I called Dr. Burg and we discussed the pain that i was feeling. He advised to go to Urgent care and have them look at it.

Urgent care dr was a little concerned bc my arm was a little swollen and warm. Now, mind you, I had made it past the 24 hour "deadly" reaction time period, but this still didn't feel right. He sent me to the ER as he didn't have an ultra sound machine to look at my veins for a clot. The ER dr did find a clot in my arm. Its in the vein that they used for the infusion. The clot extends from my elbow to my neck. They said to take anti inflammatory and use a heating pad and it should go away on its own. Guess we'll be using the other arm on Oct 11 for my next Rituxan infusion.

OH, and the mass that was in my sinus... They took it out 4 days prior to my Rituxan infusion. It was A LOT bigger than they originally thought.. but it was non cancerous. I am very grateful to my sister and grand father for taking me that day as I was sedated for the procedure. And to my friends and family for calling or IM'ing , facebook messaging or texting to check on me. <3 u!

I also want to send a "shout out" to all my friends and family who have been supportive and loving through all of this. This is such a rough and misunderstood disease. PPL think just bc it has the name "arthritis" on the end of it that its like osteoarthritis.. I can just take some tylenol...doesn't work like that. My immune system is one crazy super woman bitch! Guess we have a boxing match to continue...

Where are my gloves?   (( hmm...maybe i should line them with steel... ))